Secrets.
There’s a saying I’ve heard a thousand times in meetings, casual conversation, from podcasts to major television interviews; “Secrets keep you sick.” Another variation would be the oft quoted; “You’re only as sick as your secrets.”
When it comes to my disease of addiction, these phrases go beyond truth to universal fact. My inner being, clouded and drowned out by ego, is a ceaseless battleground for conflict.
That conflict is primarily between two age-old enemies; who I am versus who I think you think I am. At this point, you might think you are watching the sequel to Inception. A real “what is reality” situation. Believe me, that’s how I feel too.
My mind can be deceiving. It tells me things like: “If they find out who you really are, they will reject you.” Or, a classic: “How could they possibly still love you if they found out the truth.” Shame. Shame and secrets are what poison me from the inside, and when I came to recovery, I was toxic with both.
There were the big ones, and the small ones and all the in-between. I picture the classic image of a man spinning multiple plates on poles while juggling a chainsaw and a flaming torch, all the while desperately clinging to the idea that everything is fine so long as no one finds out.
Then, along comes this recovery stuff. At first I’m terrified. The mere notion that any of these embarrassing and shameful secrets see the light of day is enough to make me twitch.
The implication of step 5: “Admitted to God, to ourselves, and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.” Well frankly that was just impossible. Nope. Thankfully it is not step one. It’s not even step 2 or 3 or 4. It was 5 steps away and I could just table that for now. No need to look there.
At the moment I asked for help, my life was filled with pain. Emotional, physical and spiritual pain. I was desperate for real, lasting relief and was surprisingly willing to accept the bitter medicine. I began to work the program of A.A. as demonstrated by my sponsor and others in the community.
As the fog in my brain and body began to clear, I started to hear stories of others and how flat out honest they were! I couldn’t believe my ears. I would never, ever, in a million years, share some of the details of my life that these recovering people share freely.
It was as foreign to me as Mandarin Chinese. Yet, they were happy. They laughed a lot, and loudly! They were free.
Eventually I continued (and still continue) to show up, and take suggestions. My fear and stubbornness slowly turned to hope and willingness.
I wrote all the stuff down on paper that my A.A. sponsor asked of me (the 4th step). I looked at it in black and white. Then came the time to share this life story with him, if you will. With full earnestness I did just that. A real weight was lifted.
What existed in the cerebral was now far more than just thought. It was experience. It was in my heart and my cheeks as I smiled effortlessly. I couldn’t stop smiling. I realized something extremely profound and moving that day: I finally know myself.
I know myself, because someone else knows me. By allowing another person to know everything, I learned everything. Now you know me.
If this resonates with you, know that you’re not alone. Recovery is possible, and it starts with taking that first step toward honesty and healing. At Discovery Place, we’re here to support you on your journey. Contact us today to learn more about our programs and how we can help you or your loved one find lasting freedom. Call us anytime at 800-725-0922.
